Sweet Orange Fox

So I am VERY cautiously and hesitantly writing this post. People everywhere seem to want me to just let go and be optimistic, but I just can't allow myself to be quite yet.

This past weekend, on my birthday of all days, I started bleeding. This whole time I had worried about having another missed miscarriage where my body doesn't recognize there is something wrong and so there are no physical signs of miscarriage...no bleeding, etc. So when I saw the blood I absolutely freaked out...I had been worrying about NOT seeing anything and forgot how terrifying it would be to actually see something. I called the doctor who put me on immediate bed rest and scheduled an early sono on Monday, and I settled in to prepare for the worst.

On Monday thankfully the sac was still there, and the very beginnings of a baby and heartbeat were visible. We were THRILLED. But then we noticed a little blip next to the sac. It appears as though the other embryo had implanted and then failed to progress which would account for the bleeding and what looked like a collapsed sac. I have to say I am of course over the moon that we have one baby doing well at this point, but I am still incredibly sad that we lost the twin. I think all along I had thought that having twins might make me feel less "behind." In my mind I always think by the end of this year I would have a one year old if the last pregnancy had worked out, and I guess the thought of having twins at the end of this year kind of made up for the fact that I was already going to be a year behind. It is irrational, I know. All that matters is we have one healthy (so far) baby snuggling in. I just had to vent that...but believe me I am absolutely ecstatic that we have been as lucky thus far as we have.

I was released by my RE and turned over to a new OB. I LOVE him, love the office, love the staff, etc. I was pretty nervous about going to someone new since I thought so highly of my previous OB, but I am more than happy with the change. We had an appointment today, and even though it was so soon after the ultrasound with the RE he decided to do another since I had had a bit more spotting these past few days.




As I said...I am VERY hesitant to even acknowledge this pregnancy yet as there have been so many little things that are just "off," but I have to be happy that we have made it this far and are still in the game. We were measuring at 6w2d which is a little bit off and even a little bit off going by Monday's ultrasound, but the doctor reassured me this could just be the margin of error with measuring something so tiny. The heart rate was 117 which also makes me very nervous. I have been reading about 6 week heart rates being MUCH higher, but again the doctor assured me that anything over 100 is acceptable at this point. I suppose I need to just stop worrying and let what will be, be. It's just that my betas were low, then I had bleeding, then we possibly lost the twin, then the heart rate is in the "low end of normal," etcetc. I just want one time to hear "this is perfect! Things are looking perfect!" I think the only thing that is really going to help me relax at this point is to just be further along. Come on time. We have another appointment scheduled for March 30, and I hope I can last until then.

In other news, I am seriously unrecognizable. Baked white cheddar cheetos have completely ruined my life. Well, that and about a month of bedrest. I am a walking tub of cottage cheese...@#$!@$ you, bathing suit season! Not quite sure what my plan is for that yet.. I keep telling myself this is ALL worth it though. And it truly is.

Until next time.