Sweet Orange Fox

So now I think I am REALLY being screwed around with. After a morning of crying, eating girl scout cookies, crying, eating a bag of Cheetos, crying some more and watching the better part of Dexter: Season One, I decided it was time to get my act together. Contrary to popular belief I DO have a job, and work needed to get done. So I pulled myself out of bed, Cheeto crumbs coming with me, and sat down to work. But not before a trip to the bathroom, naturally, to use whatever test was lying around. I had had two cups of coffee and Diet Coke this morning so did not expect much, but here is what I got: (the bottom test on each picture):






PLEASE someone tell me what in the crap is going on. This is just too much for me to take. I always compare this journey to a rollercoaster, and I keep getting reminded just how true that is. The pink tests show yesterday, this morning and this afternoon. The blue tests are the inside of digital tests which all showed positive..Sunday, Monday and then this afternoon. Both the bottom pink test and the bottom blue test are from the same pee sample...so I am wondering if maybe that sample was a total fluke. Do Cheetos have a high level of hCG in them or something?? Where is this coming from? I have been having even more spotting today than the past few days so I just don't know what to think. Of course, though, my hope has been restored. After all I said about never having any hope or optimism again...here I am...hoping against all hope that maybe these tests really mean something. I am so scared of the letdown I will face tomorrow if not. Another day with another high and another low.

Yes, you are seeing that correctly. Let me just tell you about the past few days. Don't get excited. I woke up over the weekend finally having sort of wrapped my head around the fact that we failed this cycle...that we would be facing another god knows how many more months or years of struggle...that we would be out thousands and thousands of dollars MORE....that we were back to square one...etc. But I had a few pregnancy tests leftover and decided to take one just for the hell of it. I was absolutely SHOCKED when a line appeared. I thought NO way. So I used another. There it was again. Then a digital. "PREGNANT." OMFG. This was unreal. I woke up a very grumpy husband and made him look at the tests before his eyes were fully adjusted to the 15 lights I turned on, but he could see it too! We were SO excited, but we still knew to be cautious. Later that day I took more tests, and the lines got darker. Amazing. Maybe this could really be it.

Cue the spotting. And the cramping. And the headache. I knew at that moment it was all over. My tests the next morning were considerably lighter, and the spotting continued. I had a beta which came back at a whopping 31. And by whopping I clearly mean craptastic. This is a VERY bad, VERY low number. Considering I had gotten a positive digital test over 24 hours prior to that, my level should have been much higher. I know it has already dropped.

This morning I took another couple of tests which were again even fainter, and the spotting has picked up. So I ate half a box of Samoas and cried a lot. Again.

I just don't know how to move forward. I feel like I just want to die.I don't ever want to see anyone or talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything ever again. This is too much for my little soul to take. This has ruined me, and I will never be the same. I will never be happy again. I will never trust or believe in anything again. I will never have hope or optimism ever again. I just want to be alone in a bubble where god can't hurt me anymore.

I am 6dp3dt and have lost all hope. Tested today and...wait for it...big shocker...BFN. I am feeling so down. No symptoms, no hint of a line, no nothing. It would be one thing if this was just a failed cycle with good eggs. Then there would be hope for the future. But no..I have completely shittastic eggs.

Everyone keeps saying it is early and not to lose hope, but I have heard that every month for a year and seem to always know better. I will try and keep a little bit of hope, though, as I always do...only to have it crushed. Maybe one day things will turn out differently.

I don't know why I expected anything other than for things to go terribly wrong....because it seems that has been the pattern on this entire journey

Here I am getting ready to go into the retrieval...things are good! We are so upbeat and positive and excited to get these little eggies out! I don't even have the energy to go into all the details and occurrences of the day, but the main piece of information is that they retrieved 15 eggs...which is supposedly the "magic number" according to the Internet...pshh.




The next morning, we found out that 9 of the eggs fertilized normally, 2 might possibly fertilize later, 2 died immediately and the last 2 fertilized abnormally and were discarded. I was hoping for a few more to be honest, but I was okay with 9. I figured we would probably have about 3 or 4 make it to day five which would mean we would have a couple for transfer and a couple to freeze. The embryologist said she would give us another call on day three (Feb 17) to update us on their growth.

So the morning of the 17th I get a call telling us that we had one good embryo, one okay embryo and all the rest had died or were poor quality. WHAT!?!?! I honestly felt like someone punched me in the stomach. The ONLY thing we had on our side going into this was the fact that being so young my eggs should have been ABOVE average quality...we should have two perfect ones to transfer and more to freeze. I was devastated. Those two might look normal on day three, but they could be completely abnormal by day five. Again...I can't even bring myself to get into all the details of the conversation, emotions, etc.

Then came an even bigger blow. The embryologist said the only option was to do the transfer in the next few hours. My world came crashing down. This was NOT how this was supposed to happen. A day 3 transfer? Almost ALL dead/abnormal eggs? Nothing to freeze? How can this be??? How many rounds of heartbreak do I have to go through? The ups and downs of the miscarriage...the months of struggling...the countless failed treatments and cycles...the realization that IVF was our last and only option...the MISERY of ovarian hyperstimulation following the retrieval (that is another story entirely)..and now THIS!!??! It just feels like everything is against us.

But we had no choice. So we dropped everything and headed in. Here are the two 8-cell embryos they transferred in on day three (2/17/12).




I have spent the past two days on bed rest going between hope, despair, positivity, negativity, anger, sadness, faith, confusion, speculation, impatience and so much else. I don't know where we will go from here. I really don't. I am thankful for my wonderful family who has come to visit and helped try to keep my spirits up, but all I really want is for this wait to be over and just to know. This has been the most difficult ride of my life, and I just want off.

Finally we have a date to count down today, and it is....drumrollll please.....MONDAY!!!! Monday the 13th will be our retrieval!!!! Which means I can now fill in all the blanks....

Egg Retrieval: Monday, February 13th
Embryo Transfer: Saturday, February 18th
Blood Preg Test: Monday, February 27th

Wow...I can't believe it is all finally happening. I remember being at the doctor's office on December 16th hearing that if we moved forward with IVF immediately we would find out whether we were pregnant by March 1st. That seemed eons away. And here it is...right around the corner...even a few days earlier than expected!!! The waiting is nothing now. Mondays always get here before you know it, and I'm sure this one won't be any different. Then just two Mondays to go before we will know!! Monday the 27th is actually Matt's birthday....which MUST mean good things. I'm going to do everything I can to try and wait for the beta, but I have a feeling I will be testing a few days early..

That is all for now. I will post after the retrieval on Monday and let you know how many eggies we were able to get!!

Just got home from the doctor, and we actually got pretty good news for once! I had been worried sick that we would not get to retrieve until after Tuesday, but today the doctor told us that it won't be later than Tuesday...and that it might even be Monday!!! That would be AMAZING! Just 24 hours less of waiting makes all the difference. Either way, though, I know it won't be after Tuesday. Having a more firm date to look forward to is already making me feel better.

Speaking of feeling better..yesterday all the absent symptoms/side effects finally showed their ugly faces! It is all worth it, though. I am just going to try and get plenty of rest.

We go back in again tomorrow morning, and we should find out tomorrow afternoon whether we are going to trigger tomorrow evening or Sunday evening. Fingers CROSSSSSED!

So it looks like we are still on track for a Valentine's Day retrieval. As my doctor keeps reminding me, though, "Things can change in a day." So I am trying to prepare myself for the possibility that it might be several days after Valentine's, but for now I am going to continue counting down to Tuesday the 14th! I would LOVE for it to be that day...I already have my pink and red outfit picked out for the retrieval...which I know is ridiculous since I will end up in a hideous butt-revealing blue hospital gown anyway. Sigh. At least I will arrive festive.

The ultrasound yesterday was rather uneventful. The follicles aren't doing much, but the doctor thinks we are right on track. I hope he is right. I will have another ultrasound tomorrow and one Saturday as well, and I am crossing my fingers that I will get to trigger on Sunday which would result in a Tuesday morning retrieval! I'm still feeling good...no real side effects from the injections other than terrible headaches, but I think that is because of the rising estrogen more than the medicine itself. Tonight will be my seventh stimulant injection, and I have to admit these seven days have actually gone pretty quickly. Let's hope the next seven do, too.

Well we are reaching the end of our road...err..rollercoaster. For THIS cycle anyway. I have a feeling the ride will never truly be over. The past week has been filled with so many emotions...so many ups and downs...I have never been more thankful to see Monday. The more-likely-than-not (statistically speaking) possibility that this IVF cycle will be unsuccessful invaded my head like never before. I tried every technique I knew to distract my mind, talk myself out of it, stay positive....but nothing worked. I became obsessed and imprisoned all at once by the thought of this not working. A night out with my family at Ruth's Chris and a bedroom makeover seemed finally to be enough to take my mind elsewhere. And since then I have been almost TOO positive I think...telling myself that this HAS to work. I am the prime candidate...everything is looking good and on schedule...there is no reason for this NOT to work, I say to myself. Once in a while I remember that these are all the same things I have been told with every Clomid cycle as well, but I am trying not to dwell on that. This IS going to work. It IS!

So here is our new and improved bedroom!!







I was going for the " boutique hotel room" bedroom feel. There are still several things to do....drop the TV cords down the back of the wall or conceal them, hang pictures, change out the fan to a chandelier and a few other accessory things, but all in all I am feeling good about it! It is coming together...and we did it without any major meltdowns! I am also proud to say everything came from TJ Maxx/Home Goods or some sort of discount store....we are on an IVF budget here, people!!! Anyway I love waking up in the new room, and I think it will be the perfect place to spend several days in bed while I am letting my embryos implant!!! Because they WILL, dammit.

Another update is that I finally started reading The Hunger Games a couple of days ago, and now I understand what everyone is talking about! I cannot put it down! I have forced myself not to read the last 50 pages, though, because I want it to last as long as possible. The second book of the trilogy should be arriving shortly, and then I will allow myself to finish the first.

What else? What else? Oh yes, well, I have now taken four stimulant injections..tonight will be the fifth. I was worried I would turn into a bridezilla of sorts...what would that be? Momzilla? Mom-to-be-zilla? Eggzilla? Yes, let's go with Eggzilla. Anyway I have heard absolute horror stories, but I have actually felt GREAT emotionally since starting the stims. Matt has even started sleeping with both eyes shut. We went for our first sonogram yesterday, and the follicles are looking GREAT. It looks like I will have 20 eggs total to harvest which would be wonderful. Hopefully at least half of those will fertilize and half of the fertilized ones will make it to the blastocyst stage. Then we will have the two best quality embryos transferred back in, and the other three will be frozen. That is all of course if everything continues going to plan. Which..so far...so good. Hope I didn't jinx myself.

So I guess that's all I've got for now. We have our next sonogram tomorrow morning, and hopefully the follicles are still growing (but not TOO much). I am exercising and drinking tons of water everyday to keep from getting hyperstimulated. So far it's working! More updates to come.