Since writing yesterday's post, my optimism turned to complete and utter despair. More than despair really...I don't even quite know how to define it. I am overcome by the fear that IVF will not work for us. And while to this point I have firmly claimed that I was prepared for such an outcome, I realized today that that couldn't be further from the truth. I am SO not okay with that outcome. Not one bit. So instead of working diligently and then moving on to tackling my "30" list, I instead writhed in self pity, anger, jealousy, anxiety and any other self-destructive practice you might think of. The only thing that kept me going? See below.
No, seriously. I think I am up to about 50 for the day. Which is disturbing ONLY because my stockpile is now severely diminished, and I will have to wait until next Christmas to replenish! AGHH! Once I discovered these (not until December 18th of this year) I immediately went on a wild goose chase to four different stores only to be told the item was out of stock and would not be restocked because it was seasonal. Unacceptable. Thank GOD Matt was there (willingly, I promise, at all four stores) because he found the stocking stuffer aisle...you know those plastic candy canes filled with Hershey kisses? Yep..we bought all they had. Economical? No. Delicious? Yes.
Anyway..now that I have been distracted from my negativity for a moment I feel somewhat better. I think I just was due for a complete meltdown day, and now that it is out of my system I am going to be nothing but positive from here on out. I still am not okay with the possibility that IVF will not be successful on the first round, but I don't think I should have to be "okay" with that. I think I am entitled to get my hopes up and to "need" for it to work. I can be "prepared" for the possibility that it may not, but I do not have to be okay with it. I also feel that I am entitled to be somewhat envious of those who have what I so desperately long for. I just have to learn not to let it get the better of me. It is not us against them, it is really us against us at this point. Or me against me. I have to be in control of my emotions going forward. I know that will only help our chances of getting the desired outcome.
Well I think I should wrap it up for today. Hoping for a better day tomorrow, and the same to all of you!
FAIL.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I'm also obsessed with the candy cane kisses. I ate them nonstop at work in the weeks leading up to Christmas. I had a pile of foil wrappers on my desk, and some even fell to the floor around my chair. I looked like a hoarder.
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